Still a Struggle

I’ve been trying to come up with the right way to write this blog without people rolling their eyes at me or feeling offended by what I have to say. Again, this blog was created to share my thoughts and feelings, my triumphs and struggles… my life. So please, just read this with an open mind and  know that I am still human and I do go through things that some will (or won’t) understand.

I look at myself in the mirror and all I see are my imperfections. I am well aware that I am slim (or as some of you call it: skinny). I know I’m not fat. Or overweight. But I do have this image in my head of what I want my body to look like…so when I see myself in the mirror and the 2 images do not match up, I become very insecure with the way I look. And depending on the day, I experience one of 2 very different “feelings”. The first, is the feeling of disappointment. Mostly in myself. For failing to stay on track. The second, is determination. Determined to achieve that “body” I want. And lately…it’s the feeling of disappointment that’s been ruining my days.

And this is why…

The number on the scale hasn’t budged since May. But, I have to make this clear… I’m not concerned so much with the weight anymore. I’m not lookin’ to lose more weight. I’m more obsessed about my body composition. Yes, I mean obsessed. Like when I look at myself in the mirror, do I see any new muscle definition? Am I slimming down in my trouble areas? I’ve noticed less muscle definition and more bloating. Some days I’ll call it flab, even though I know it’s not. The slightest sign of bloating makes me feel like I’ve gained 10 lbs. And the minute I tell people I feel heavy, they look at me like I’m crazy.

But I know my body. And I know what I’ve been putting in to my body. And here’s the truth of it all. I’ve slacked off. With my workouts. With my eating habits. When I got promoted at the beginning of September, I made a decision to  keep my second job. I thought I would be able to handle working 40+  hours a week and put in 3 days at Job #2. So for about a month, I balanced the 2 jobs and tried my hardest to keep up with my workout schedule. But my body just would not keep up. I worked 4 weeks straight without a full day off. And I found myself cutting back on my workouts. I went from working out 6-7 days a week to 3 (maybe 4) days a week. Don’t get me wrong, that’s still good. But not good enough to get the kind of results I want. 3 days a week is good enough to maintain… but my goal is to tone up. I’ve also been snacking on not-so-healthy foods. Mostly on the weekends. And date nights. Which explains the bloating. I know if I keep allowing myself to indulge more often than I should… I’ll end up back to where I was a year ago.

I am aware that any disappointment I feel is because of me and my lack of discipline. I start to feel really bad about the direction I may be going… I know that eventually, I would stop working out and just not care about what I was eating. I know that it would be a matter of time before I start making excuses to justify why I don’t need to workout…or why I can eat that bowl of ice cream. I mean, it’s already happening. I stopped going to the gym not long after I was promoted because I was tired, but I’d do a few workouts at home instead to convince myself that it was okay for not going to the gym. THAT is what really stopped my progress. I forced myself to re-prioritize. I finally cut back my hours and availability for Job #2. I had to. It really is important to have some “me” time. I need it to keep my sanity. To live a healthy and balanced life. To be happy. To get “back on track”. Heck yes it’s been a struggle. My body is exhausted.

After making that change with my work schedule, I let my body rest for a couple of weeks. Absolutely no workouts. I did my best to eat clean. Once my body got used to the new work schedule, I decided to start working out at home. With the hubs. In the garage. Doing CrossFit WODs. Very intense workouts. I don’t think my body has stopped aching since I started those workouts. Then after about a week of doing CrossFit, I still wasn’t satisfied with what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Again, I know a week isn’t long enough to see results. But I really did feel like these workouts weren’t enough. So I decided to do a 5-day slim down. A healthy detox. To get rid of the bloating. And then I forced myself to get back to the gym. Been doing 2-days for about a week now. HIIT cardio at the gym, CrossFit intense weight lifting at home. And I’m slowly starting to see a difference. Thank goodness. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t see some kind of change. I would probably give up.

So I have to say this… to those that think I’m crazy or obsessed. I’m not trying to lose weight. I do not have an eating disorder. I just want to tone up. I want to be in shape. I want to be fit. I want muscle definition. And if I happen to lose any more weight in the process, then that’s fine. I know my lower body can afford to slim down a lot more. It’s definitely a lifestyle. If I want that lean toned body, I know I can’t afford to slack off. I hear it all the time… “you workout hard. you’re skinny… you deserve that donut.” Hmmm… really? I eat clean because I want to be healthy. Not because I want to lose weight. And there are healthier alternatives to satisfy that sweet tooth.  Now… I’m not preaching here. If you were born with them good genes that lets you have that killer bod and are able to eat whatever it is you want…if that makes you happy, who am I to judge. But I’m speaking for me. My body doesn’t need the junk food. If I am not careful, I will gain weight. So I choose to eat clean. For me.

Anyway the point of this blog post is just to say this… even though I’m not overweight, I still struggle to stay on track. And what I’ve learned the most through all this is that I can’t let my slip-ups get the best of me. If I ate a pumpkin spice muffin today (I didn’t have one today but I did have one last week ;-)), I can’t obsess over it. I just have to keep moving forward. Right?