Being True To Myself

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything on here. And I’m not even sure if anyone reads my blog anymore. My life’s been full of surprises the past couple of months that it’s just been a great deal of crazy for me and I just couldn’t bring myself to write somethin’. 

And as I’m writing this, I still don’t know what to write about. I kinda want to try something a little different. I don’t want to write about my health… or fitness… or my usual jibberish. Because I’m sure some of you would rather read about something a little more interesting than just food and workouts. So I think I’m going to write something a little more real. Raw. Maybe even a little bit too revealing. I’m going to write about me.

I’ve gone through a lot the past couple of days. Without getting into specifics, I will tell you that I hurt someone I love very much. I was dishonest about some things I’m not proud of. No there was no crime committed. Nor was there any violence or abuse. Just a few lies that came back to bite me in the ass… and it wasn’t very pretty. But I’m kinda glad it happened… because I learned a lot about myself. It’s one of those things where you think you know 100% who you are and what you’re about…and then realize you knew nothing about yourself. At all. It’s almost like a slap to the face.

I always thought I did a pretty good job of expressing my feelings to people. That is… when I actually want to express my feelings. You see, I keep a lot of things inside. And I give a little…but not a whole lot. And so people think everything is okay or never really take what I say very serious. I guess it really doesn’t matter if the person I’m trying to talk to is not all that important to me… but when I’m trying to communicate things to someone I love and it doesn’t get anywhere, it becomes frustrating to me and I end up letting it go only for it to come back again. But worse. So last night, I finally figured out a way to “get thru” to the one person I’ve been trying to communicate with for the last oh i don’t even know how long… For a long time I’ve laid blame on other people for reasons unknown to me but I realized last night that I have never really been able to truly talk about my feelings. Like I think I would try to and then somewhere in the middle of it, I’d try to sugar coat it or hold back because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. But then I realized just how unfair that is for all parties involved. So last night was probably the first time I was able to get every single thing out in the open. Without worrying about hurting the other person’s feelings. Without feeling like I’m being judged. I did not hold anything back. And I think…for the first time since I’ve been labeled an adult, I was able to have my first real grown up conversation. I’m talking about an actual discussion. Not a fight or argument or mean exchange of words between 2 people. And once it happened… something felt different. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Coming to this realization has not been easy. There were lots of tears and heartaches. But a whole new clarity has come from all of this. I’m making the effort to be better at expressing my feelings. To really be open and honest about everything I feel is important.

With that said… I can only hope that my life will have more ups than downs.